rant

I worry about the important things.

So the other day, I saw Insidious. I hadn't heard much positive, but I was bored and hadn't seen a haunted house movie for a while, and it was free so whatever. It was...eh. Of course. Haunted house stories, regardless of how well they start, often have the "delivering God" issue when it comes to the third act. Specifically they spend the first two acts building atmosphere and tension only to go to complete shit when it comes time for the reveal/resolution because nothing they can deliver can add up to whatever terror the audience has cooked up in their head.

Insidious is no different. It has some genuinely spooky moments early on, then the protagonist is fighting Darth Maul in Frankenstein's castle. But whatever. I was expecting shit. This post isn't about the movie. It's about the poster.

This is the theatrical poster for Insidious:


Okay, so we got a picture of a kid with the ominous filter ran over him and it's failing miserably because kids aren't scary, but that's not what I'm talking about. Look at the actual title, INSIDIOUS; ran vertically for no apparent reason. 

Why the fuck are the letters SI red?

Maybe it's because I'm in the last week of a typography class and I'm looking at things too critically design-wise, but this is driving me nuts because I feel like there's an obvious reason or reference that I'm just not getting. That, or the designer just randomly decided to make SI red for no apparent reason.

Okay, just for shits and giggles, I googled "why is the SI in Insidious red?" and it appears I'm not the only one bothered by this. I've yet to actually find an answer.

Maybe it's just a genius ploy to keep people talking about this mediocre film long after they should have forgotten about it.

I can start anytime I want.


About 2 months ago, I decided to quit smoking. Much to my surprise, I've been mostly successful, but I don't really feel happy with my newfound health. Here's what I've learned since I quit smoking:


Everything is horrible and annoying and pointless.

According to the internet, these are just a few of the wonderful symptoms of nicotine withdrawal: 
  • cravings for tobacco
  • irritation
  • anger
  • weight gain
  • concentration problems
  • depression
  • headaches
  • fatigue
  • restlessness
  • insomnia
  • dizziness
  • anxiety

I pulled this list from netdoctor.co.uk, so it's possible some of these only affect British humans, as they are comprised of a completely different makeup than us Yanks. I never really understood anxiety before this ordeal, but now that I've experienced it, I now know how much it sucks. Not being able to concentrate on anything is just bloody wonderful, but I'd have to say my favorite part about smoking cessation is the non-stop disorientation. I feel confused and I'm not entirely sure what's going on most of the time.

Picture unrelated.

I used some generic-brand patches to quit. There were three steps to the patches; the first step took four weeks, and the second and third steps took two weeks each. That means I spent 8 wonderful weeks with a damn sticker stuck to my person at all times. The red circles are just now starting to fade from my biceps. 

I finished the patch program a week ago, so I've been smoke free for 9 weeks. That doesn't sound like a big deal on paper, but before it would be amazing for me to go 45 minutes without smoking, so let me have this one victory. Jerks.

I'm making progress on my projects, but at a considerably slower rate thanks to the concentration issues I'm still dealing with. I suspect that problem will correct itself, and if it doesn't I can always start smoking again.

They make it look so cool.

Now I just have to get a handle on that crippling black-tar heroin addiction.
-danger!

Dear DeviantArt.

I have a DeviantArt account, as you probably know. I'll be the first to admit that while I have a page there and I upload images to that page, I don't really consider myself a dA 'member' as it were; I'm just there to make myself/my work more accessible, and to keep in touch with some of the amazing artists that happen to frequent that community. My issue with dA is I'm not quite sure what the dA ratio of "awesome, creative artists" and "people who make me facepalm and question God's design" is anymore.


I also don't know what the etiquette is when forced to show gratitude for someone you consider sub-human. And dA is putting me in that situation more often than I thought was possible. Look, I'm genuinely glad that you liked my work so much that you added it to your favorites list. I really am. Things like that let me know I'm maybe doing something right. The appreciation is appreciated, so to speak. But let's be honest with ourselves here: If (and these are based on actual interactions I've had)

A) You are an emo kid who genuinely believes he is a wolf...like...spirit or something, or
B) Your entire body of work consist of (hopefully) fictional tales of incest

Then you can't honestly expect me, or anyone else for that matter to show you a shred of respect as a competent and aware human being, regardless of how much you Fav my stuff.

Sorry this is a bit rant-y, but I haven't had a cigarette in two months and I'm angry at everything right now, and now I have to consider the ethical ramifications of thanking someone who has composed stories of fucking his sister. I'm glad you like my stuff, now go away forever and ever.

Of course, 99.9 percent of you all are awesome and I love you and I will draw and write nonsense for you until I die or Half-Life 3 comes out, but every now and then, I get hit up by

...

...furries


and the like and I question every decision I've ever made and I have to rant to get it out of my head. And every single deranged, ass-backwards fucker that has hit me up?

They're always from deviantArt.

That says something. Terrible.

-danger!

The Details

While standing at the Jarvis red line stop this morning, on my way to my place of employment, I noticed this ad:

Newspaper ad
Taken with a crappy iPhone camera...I should really start carrying a real camera with me.

This was an ad for The Courier Journal I believe, I don't remember; it was one of those big newspaper companies. At first, I liked the image. Using random, disjointed stock newsprint as a background texture is a style/technique that's always appealed to me; I've always like the gritty, chaotic mood it conveys. I liked the pop of the blue and how the message type is placed in varying sizes and angles, theoretically to match the style of the newsprint background. However, upon closer inspection, I couldn't help but notice this:

Newspaper ad fail

Although it's probably blatantly obvious what I'm referring to, I'll go ahead and spell it out: In the bottom right-hand corner of the gun handle, used twice, is a newspaper clipping with the headline, "It's official-'Octomom' now a legitimate word".

This is a problem for me.

Why the hell is there anything Octomom-related in an image focused on gun-related urban violence? Twice? And if the designer was so short on stock newsprint (which I doubt), why put both duplicates of the same clipping so close together? Yes, I understand that the clipping was simply used as a background texture and that if one were to peruse the rest of the image, they'd find that the rest of the newsprint wasn't necessarily related to the theme either, but it's still a problem.

The designer, whoever it was, had a vast supply of newsprint stock to work with, and not only did they use a clipping containing a giant-ass headline about bloody Octomom and how that...thing is now not only a pollutant to our culture, but our social lexicon, but they use it twice and place both duplicates right next to each other to make them stand out more. They could have just gone with a different clipping. Hell, they could have used the body of the Octomom piece with the headline removed. But they didn't.

Why didn't they? If I had to guess, I'd say it's because they assumed that since the newsprint was nothing more that a background texture, then the contents of the newsprint was irrelevant. Normally, they may be right, but since the Octomom headline is so prominent it becomes a problem.

Why is it a problem? Because now when I look at that ad, I'm not thinking about gun-violence, and I'm definitely not thinking about buying a paper from whatever company commissioned this ad. Instead, I'm thinking about Nadya Suleman, her mutant fallopian tubes, and her ever-growing army of neglected podspawn.

Then again, maybe the whole thing is intentional. Maybe there's some unconscious/subliminal juju going on. After all, the bit about Octomom is surprisingly close to "a cry for help".

/endrant

a canned food product consisting esp. of pork formed into a solid block.

Like pretty much every right-minded individual who isn't currently involved with an exciting business venture with Nigerian royalty, I tend to not look at my spam folder. On the rare occasion that I do, however, I almost always find gold.


Grow YourPenis 3-inches longer & thicker, girl will love you hhkfgu 6tf‎ - Bigger, Firmer, Stronger and with long-lasting energy, you can please your woman like never … 

-I like the "long lasting energy" bit. I picture my dick running a marathon, or being used an an alternate power source to power nuclear subs.

Settle warrior in your fly!‎ - Improving your lover's characteristics and as a result, your self-respect! Show picture and …

-Whoa, whoa, calm down killer! Actually, I wish there was a pill for this, as my dick is constantly painting itself up like Mel Gibson in Braveheart and shouting "THIS IS SPARTA!" whenever I'm trying to piss. I'm not sure what this has to do with my "lover's characteristics" though. For example, my wife is a fan of the Twilight books; not something I'm into. But I fail to see how soothing the savage warrior in my fly is going to change that.

Perfect boobs exist!!!‎ 

-Dear lord, the legends are true! Aside from a few grainy pictures from the 70's and a few sightings from questionable witnesses, we never had any solid scientific proof of the elusive Perfect Boobs. This will change the world of cryptozoological science forever!

Let's find a maniac!

-No thanks, I've seen enough slasher films to know how that works out. In terms of lethality, actively looking for the maniac is right up there with smoking pot, having premarital sex, taking walks in the forest at night, saying "I'll be right back", and being the only black guy in the group.

Have a concrete thing in pants! - Important changes your love life

-Yeah, 'cause my wife has always wanted to be fucked with a cinder block.

Hercules power in your rod‎ - Save with free samples

-I'm sorry, but if you need the concentrated power of a mythological man-god to please your woman, then there is something seriously wrong with your girl's vagina. Get her to a doctor immediately.

Be ready at the right moment‎ - Hi dear

-My dick is under constant threat of attack. It could happen anywhere and anytime.

Enduring strength of a man‎ - Popping this bolus guarantees your night will be fantastic

-I don't know what a bolus is and I'm too lazy to Google it. However, using the verb "popping" in this title immediately conjures up images akin to "pop this zit" or "drain this cyst"; activities that usually aren't included in my ideal fantastic night. 


Fix engine of desire‎ - Assault her wet hole with double energy! Get your desire improved

-First off, "engine of desire"? Really? I understand "penis" is a boring word and you need exciting phrases for you advertising venture of questionable credibility, but these examples were from a spam folder with 70 entries, and not once did I see the ever popular "dick" or "cock". I just don't get it. Secondly, "Assault her wet hole"? Somewhere in the mess we went from pleasing your woman to SUPERMAN RAPE. And the hell with her wet hole, you can use your double energy to simply punch a hole through her chest with your newly-improved engine of desire.

It's obvious by the poor word composition and laughable slang that the creators of these spam emails aren't from America. So with this in mind, these emails suddenly take on a meaning deeper that simple pharmaceutical scams. Remember in Kill Bill Volume 2 when Bill goes on that diatribe about how Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the human race? Well, these spam emails are kinda like that, an unintentional critique on the western world/consumerism/whatever.

It's a leap of logic, and I'm not sure if I even subscribe to it myself, but it is something of an interesting theory at the least, so bear with me here. The spammers want money, our money. To get said money, they flood our email boxes with shit they think we would want to buy. The majority of these spam mails are concerning shit to make your junk bigger. Therefore, the spammers seem to think that all we care about is enhancing our genitals. We don't care about art or cars or diet pills or what ever else you can think of. They've looked at their target - us - and concluded that we're all dick, all the time.

Or maybe - and this is the more logical theory - spammers decided to focus on the junk enlarging market because it's more fun to write those emails. It really is; try it. Here's a couple potential spam subject lines created by yours truly, right off the top of my head.

Rodney King her love tunnel with your Engorged MeatBaton 
She will call your name passionately as your Manclub decimates her innards
DECLARE JIHAD ON ALL POON WITH OUR HERBAL REMEDIES


I can do this shit all day.