a canned food product consisting esp. of pork formed into a solid block.

Like pretty much every right-minded individual who isn't currently involved with an exciting business venture with Nigerian royalty, I tend to not look at my spam folder. On the rare occasion that I do, however, I almost always find gold.


Grow YourPenis 3-inches longer & thicker, girl will love you hhkfgu 6tf‎ - Bigger, Firmer, Stronger and with long-lasting energy, you can please your woman like never … 

-I like the "long lasting energy" bit. I picture my dick running a marathon, or being used an an alternate power source to power nuclear subs.

Settle warrior in your fly!‎ - Improving your lover's characteristics and as a result, your self-respect! Show picture and …

-Whoa, whoa, calm down killer! Actually, I wish there was a pill for this, as my dick is constantly painting itself up like Mel Gibson in Braveheart and shouting "THIS IS SPARTA!" whenever I'm trying to piss. I'm not sure what this has to do with my "lover's characteristics" though. For example, my wife is a fan of the Twilight books; not something I'm into. But I fail to see how soothing the savage warrior in my fly is going to change that.

Perfect boobs exist!!!‎ 

-Dear lord, the legends are true! Aside from a few grainy pictures from the 70's and a few sightings from questionable witnesses, we never had any solid scientific proof of the elusive Perfect Boobs. This will change the world of cryptozoological science forever!

Let's find a maniac!

-No thanks, I've seen enough slasher films to know how that works out. In terms of lethality, actively looking for the maniac is right up there with smoking pot, having premarital sex, taking walks in the forest at night, saying "I'll be right back", and being the only black guy in the group.

Have a concrete thing in pants! - Important changes your love life

-Yeah, 'cause my wife has always wanted to be fucked with a cinder block.

Hercules power in your rod‎ - Save with free samples

-I'm sorry, but if you need the concentrated power of a mythological man-god to please your woman, then there is something seriously wrong with your girl's vagina. Get her to a doctor immediately.

Be ready at the right moment‎ - Hi dear

-My dick is under constant threat of attack. It could happen anywhere and anytime.

Enduring strength of a man‎ - Popping this bolus guarantees your night will be fantastic

-I don't know what a bolus is and I'm too lazy to Google it. However, using the verb "popping" in this title immediately conjures up images akin to "pop this zit" or "drain this cyst"; activities that usually aren't included in my ideal fantastic night. 


Fix engine of desire‎ - Assault her wet hole with double energy! Get your desire improved

-First off, "engine of desire"? Really? I understand "penis" is a boring word and you need exciting phrases for you advertising venture of questionable credibility, but these examples were from a spam folder with 70 entries, and not once did I see the ever popular "dick" or "cock". I just don't get it. Secondly, "Assault her wet hole"? Somewhere in the mess we went from pleasing your woman to SUPERMAN RAPE. And the hell with her wet hole, you can use your double energy to simply punch a hole through her chest with your newly-improved engine of desire.

It's obvious by the poor word composition and laughable slang that the creators of these spam emails aren't from America. So with this in mind, these emails suddenly take on a meaning deeper that simple pharmaceutical scams. Remember in Kill Bill Volume 2 when Bill goes on that diatribe about how Clark Kent is Superman's critique on the human race? Well, these spam emails are kinda like that, an unintentional critique on the western world/consumerism/whatever.

It's a leap of logic, and I'm not sure if I even subscribe to it myself, but it is something of an interesting theory at the least, so bear with me here. The spammers want money, our money. To get said money, they flood our email boxes with shit they think we would want to buy. The majority of these spam mails are concerning shit to make your junk bigger. Therefore, the spammers seem to think that all we care about is enhancing our genitals. We don't care about art or cars or diet pills or what ever else you can think of. They've looked at their target - us - and concluded that we're all dick, all the time.

Or maybe - and this is the more logical theory - spammers decided to focus on the junk enlarging market because it's more fun to write those emails. It really is; try it. Here's a couple potential spam subject lines created by yours truly, right off the top of my head.

Rodney King her love tunnel with your Engorged MeatBaton 
She will call your name passionately as your Manclub decimates her innards
DECLARE JIHAD ON ALL POON WITH OUR HERBAL REMEDIES


I can do this shit all day.