Note: This story, having been written against my better judgement and composed entirely on my cellphone of all things, has not been proofread or edited in the slightest. Professionally, I feel I should look it over, but personally, I don't think a story with a premise this ridiculous warrants that much attention. In other words, this whole thing is so stupid that I'm not going to waste anymore time working on it. I wrote it, and that's enough.
Dick Handsome: Paranormal Gynecologist Vs. The Cannibal Crotch of Cancun
Another stormy afternoon in Jersey. Looking outside my office window, I could see people scrambling in every direction, umbrellas and newspapers held high trying to escape the rain.
I was sitting at my desk with a glass of scotch, nursing a hangover and working on a new one at the same time. People say I shouldn't drink so much, that my liver'll rot before I'm thirty, but when you do what I do - when you've seen what I've seen...
Well, let's just say there's worse ways of kicking the bucket, and I face them every day.
My name is Dick Handsome. I'm a paranormal gynecologist.
The rain started to come down harder, you could hear it pounding against the walls of the clinic. It was so loud, I almost didn't hear my receptionist Sophia buzz me over the intercom.
"Mr. H, you have a Mrs. Velvet here to see you."
I checked my schedule, all my appointments were done for the day. I usually avoid walk-ins but it was a slow day. So, against my better judgement, I told Sophia to send her in.
We she came in, I took one look at her and could immediately tell something was wrong. She had a large scarf covering her hair and a pair of dark sunglasses taking up most of her face. (Typical incognito apparel. I see it all the time, ladies never want to be seen coming to my clinic cause if they're here, theve got something bad. Otherworldly bad.) There were two long streaks of black mascera running down her face from behind her sunglasses. The rest of her make up looked like it was put on absent-mindedly. She was two steps away from catatonic.
"I...I don't know what's happening. I heard about you online. I didn't know where else to go."
I had her sit up on the exam table and told her to try to relax while I looked over her chart. Veronica Velvet. Married. Age thirty-two. No childern, but did have a miscarrage at age twenty with no notable after effects. No recent irregularities in menstrual cycle. Reason for today's visit: unspecified.
"Unspecified" is never good.
"Okay Mrs. Velvet," I said, trying to sound professional and comforting, "what brings you here today?"
"It's only 'Miss' Velvet now I'm afraid. I'm a widow now." She pulled a tissue from her purse to dab away the tears in her eyes. "That's why I'm here actually. I think I... I... Oh my god..." and she began to sob hyserically.
She couldn't get it out but I knew what she was trying to say. She killed her husband. The moment she told me she was a widow I had a hunch that the reason why would be directly related to whatever brought her to my clinic. Now I just had to find out the details.
"I need you to relax and tell me what happened. I can't help you until I know the whole story." I said, trying to soothe her out of her hysteria.
"Well I...I was...no, I can't. You won't believe me. Hell, I don't even believe me."
Another thing most of my patients have in common momentery disbelief. They think what they're experiencing is so out-of-this-world that no one will believe them, or they think they dreamed the whole thing. They don't realize that their paranormal is my normal, that their worst nightmares are my job. So I constantly have to reassure them.
"Look," I said, "I know what you're going through is pretty scary for you, but believe me, I'm the best in my field. I've seen it all. There's nothing you can say that will shock me."
This was only true by a technichality. There are countless individuals involved in the paranormal - either by study or practice - but I am the only practicioner who specializes in gynecological paranormalcy. So technically I'm the best.
I continued. "I know it's hard, but I need you to tell me what happened."
She fought back her tears, regained her demeanor, and began. "It happened three days ago, I had been away from home for several weeks on a business trip, and when I got back...well I had been away from my husband for a long time. And...uh..."
"You returned from your trip and you were intimate with your husband."
"Yes. And while were in the middle of...being intimate, my uh...you know..." She gestured to herself shyly.
"Your vagina?" I asked.
"Yes. Well it...uh...it...it ate him."
Now we were getting somewhere. I asked her for details.
"It was so chaotic I couldn't tell what was going on." She said. "One second, we were being passionate. The next, he was screaming and there was blood everywhere. I remember clawed tentacles and a deep, inhuman voice." She paused, fighting back her emotions. "It was horrible. It was like he was being fed into a wood chipper."
As she explained her predicament, I was tapping into my encyclopedic knowledge of vaginal paranormalcy, considering all known causes of man-eating-vaginosis. Problem was, that's a symptom for at least seventy-five percent of all documented issues of vaginal paranormalcy.
Looks like I was gonna have to get my hands dirty with this one.
I had her disrobe and climb into the stirrups so I could take a closer look at what I was dealing with. After just a glance, it was blatantly obvious. Hanging like a stalagtite from her pelvic region was a football-sized creature that appeared to be of deep-sea origin. It's main 'body' was covered in a dark green shell with jagged spines jutting out every which way. At the bottom of it's body was a large beak which concealed row after row of needle-like teeth. I had a feeling that, if I were to stick my hand in there, it would be flayed to the bone in seconds. Above the beak was one milky-white eye that, although blind - seemed to be fixed on me. An if all that wasn't enough, it had seven tentacles sprouting from it at various points; each one roughly three to four feet long and ending with a large, nasty-looking hooked claw.
Mrs. Velvet neglected to mention this on her patient form.
She must have read my mind, because she immediately said, "Oh yeah, I also have this...growth...thing. I think it may be what killed my husband."
"So I noticed. How long have you had it?"
"Not that long, I don't think. I first noticed it on my way home from the business trip, in the airplane bathroom. Do you have any idea what it might be?"
I had some theories, but before I could question her further, the barnacle/squid/stalagtite from Hell began to speak.
"FEAR ME PHYSICIAN! I AM THE FORBIDDEN SORE, THE FRUIT OF YOUR VILE IMPURITIES MADE FLESH!" It shrieked.
I was pretty sure what it was now, but I had to make sure.
"Where was this business trip you went on?" I asked.
"Cancun." She responded. "I went there to negotiate a company merger."
Time for the tough questions. "When you were in Cancun, were you sexually active at all?"
"I...I..." she stammered.
I pressed harder. "I know it's embarassing, but I need you to tell me everything. There's nothing to be ashamed of. I'm a paranormal gynecologist; I've heard it all."
And with that, she burst into tears again. "I'm really not a bad person. I had never done anything like that before."
"What did you do Veronica?"
"We had just finalized the merger and me and some of the girls went out clubbing to celebrate. We were dancing and having margaritas...too many margaritas...I saw a group of cute local guys and I was drunk and one thing led to another and...well..." she fell silent, looking for a way to put it.
"You were in a gangbang with a couple Cancun frat boys." I provided.
"Yes. There were about twelve of them I think." She admitted, quickly adding, "I swear I've never done anything like that before. Up until the twelve-on-one gangbang, I was completely loyal. I loved my husband."
I didn't care about her loyalty to her husband. You can't really be part of the morality squad if you want to make it in my line of work. All you can afford to concern yourself with is what you're dealing with and how to get rid of it. And now I had that problem out of the way.
I explained: "When Columbus first came to The New World, he inadvertantly brought with him members of a secret society that worshipped the Old Gods; beings from beyond the realm of sane mortal comprehension. As America flourished, so did the cult. By the nineteen hundreds the were multiple independent factions spread all across the country, each with their own unique practices. Despite their differences, all of the various sects generally got along with each other. Except for one group: The Order of the Child-God. Apparently they were trying to get a lesser god to mate with a mortal woman, believing that she would give birth to some sort of hybrid being."
"Is that bad?" Mrs. Velvet asked.
"According to the majority of The Order, yes. Their main belief was that they were chosen to bring about the reawakening of The Great Dead Elder God; who, upon His return, would 'drive the world into the mouth of madness'. They felt that The Order of the Child-God's attempts at making a being of both mortal and nightmare-god would create a disruption in their prophecies. So they began to hunt down and murder anyone involved with the Child-God sect."
This was all obviously flying over her head. "I don't get it. What does a fugitive cult have to do with my vagina?"
I continued. "Most of the members were wiped out, but a small group managed to aviod capture by fleeing the country. They wound up in the area we know today as Cancun. There they continued their work."
"What happened?" She asked. "Were they successful?"
"Yes and no. In the nineteen-forties they somehow managed to get a minor god to rise from the sea and bed a maiden, but it didn't impregnate her. Instead she was driven mad, as all mortals are when they encounter The Old Ones, and she got pubic lice."
Veronica was understandably confused. "She got crabs from a god?"
"Basically. Not normal crabs though, 'miser pubic pestis' the wretched pubic creature. Pubic lice from beyond the realm of sanity. That's what she got, and that's what you now have."
I probably shouldn't have been so blunt, cause she didn't rake it well. "I have nightmare crabs?! This can't be happening!"
"Actually it makes sense. After the maiden was contaminated, the sect disbanded, but miser pubic pestis continued to spread throughout Cancun, growing more powerful, drawing spring-breakers and other potentially permiscuous mortals to it so it could spread. You getting infected was actually more plausible than you would think."
The creature attached to Mrs. Velvet added, "ALL VILE MORTALS SHALL CARRY THE BURDEN OF MY ETERNAL SEETHING RAGE!"
It's clawed tentacles were darting about randomly. It looked like an unfathomable monster's version of a nervous tic. This thing was getting agitated.
"Do you mind if I...?" I asked Verinica, point to the parasite.
"If it will get this thing off me, do whatever you need." She replied.
I kneeled down to be eye-level with the creature, it's tentacles darting dangerously close to my face. Looking into it's one sickly eye, I spoke.
"Curse fiend of Ckanthak'ai, please forgive my frail vessle of flesh as I humbly request your audience."
"YOU ADDRESS ME IN THE WORDS OF THE ORDER?" It replied. "YOU ARE NO MERE PHYSICIAN, MORTAL. EXPLAIN YOURSELF."
"I am well-versed in the arts of the arcane, in magiks both common and forbidden, in tongues long dead and older than time itself. I have a working knowledge of the beastiary hidden within this world, beyond this world, and beyond this realm. I have learned the secret history of mortals and gods and I have stood toe-to-toe against the daemons that lurk within the thin spots."
"IMPRESSIVE, HUMAN." It said; it's voice almost genuine. "IF YOU ARE HALF AS VERSED AS YOU CLAIM TO BE, THEN YOU SHOULD KNOW WHAT I AM CAPABLE OF."
"Indeed I do." I replied. "Is there anything I can do to appease you?"
"I DEMAND A NEW HOST. THIS PATHETIC FEMALE IS WORTHLESS TO ME."
"What exactly does that mean?" Veronica asked, surprisingly offended.
"It's saying that you're not a big enough slut." I explained. "The creature's ideal host would be a woman who is more explicitly sexually active with multiple partners. That way, it can spread more efficiently."
"Oh." She said. "Thanks, I guess."
I turned back to the creature: "Very well, I can get you another host, but you have to promise not to kill Mrs. Velvet when you make the switch."
The creature was silent for a minute, mulling over my offer. Finally, it spoke. "VERY WELL PHYSICIAN. BRING ME A NEW FEMALE BETTER SUITED FOR SPREADING MY WRATH AND I WILL ALOW THIS WORTHLESS HUSK TO LIVE..FOR NOW."
I almost reached out instinctively to shake it's tendril, but I quickly realized what I was doing and stopped myself. Then I went to my desk and buzzed Sophia on the intercom.
"Yes, Mr. H?" she asked.
"I'm gonna need your help on this one." I said.
"Oh dear. I'll be there in a sec." The intercom clicked off and we listened to the clicking of her high heels coming down the hall until she arrived.
Sophia's a good girl. A college student working on a degree in paranormal studies, she showed up at my door a year and a half ago looking for an internship. I gave her a shot and she's been here since. She's a little ditzy, but she's good with the patients and her airheadedness lets her take everything in stride. Nothing my job entails seems to phase her.
"Okay Mr. H, whadaya..." She broke off, seeing the thing bonded to Mrs. Velvet's pelvis. "Oh dear, you went to Cancun, didn't ya?"
"Yes." Veronica answered.
"Don't worry hon, we'll get ya fixed right up." Sophia said. The. She turned to me, "So whadaya need me to do doc?"
I instructed her to stand in view if the crotch-monster, but remain safely out of it's reach. Then I turned back to the creature.
"Esteemed nightmare parasite, I present your new host: Sophia."
"You can't do that!" Veronica protested. "I mean, I want this...this thing off of me, but I couldn't live with myself intentionally giving it to her."
Before I could say anything Sophia stepped in. "Sweetie, relax. Mr. H and I know what we're doing. We're...uh..what's the word I'm looking for?"
"Professionals." I offered.
"That's it; we're professionals. So you just sit back and try to relax and we'll have ya signed out and heading home in no time. That a deal?" She was all smiles and comfort, and although she was noticably still reluctant, Mrs. Velvet gave in.
"HOW DO I KNOW THAT THIS GIRL IS MORE SUITED FOR SPREADING MY DARK SPAWN?" The parasite demanded.
Sophia once again stepped up. "Honey, I guess you didn't catch the name plate when Mrs. V drug you in, cause if you did, you'd have seen that it says 'Sophia MacGuyver'. I got four brothers and five sisters. And everyone in the tri-state area knows that nobody parties harder than the MacGuyver sisters. Or are you afraid I may be too much for you?"
I knew exactly what she was trying to do, and it was working. It was getting pissed.
"INSOLENT WRETCH! YOU WILL BE MINE!" It shrieked as reached out with its tendrils, dug into the tile floor with its claws, and began pulling itself off of Veronica's pelvis. There was a wet, fleshy sucking sound like pulling a plunger off a side of beef. I kept an eye on Veronica. But she seemed to be handling herself well. Planting her feet firmly in the stirrups of the examination table, she was pulling in the opposite direction with all her might. It was like childbirth crossed with tug-of-war crossed with pure horror.
Finally, whatever unspeakable biological construction that the creature used for attaching itself gave way and the two of them snapped apart. As it promised, aside from some mild irritation and puffiness around the vaginal area, Mrs. Velvet was completely unharmed.
The thing was now plopped on the ground, slowly dragging itself towards Sophia, who had backed up against the wall, putting as much distance between it and her as possible. Smart girl.
"COME TO ME, GIRL!" It commanded. "BY RITE OF CONTRACT, YOU ARE NOW BOUND TO ME, AND I TO YOU!"
The parasite was laughing hysterically, its one milky white eye fixed on its new host. Sophia was doing great, keeping it focused completely on her so I could slip into the exam room closet and get the equiptment I needed.
The equiptment in question was a flamethrower I lovingly named 'Excelsior'. Believe it or not, but a good, easily transportable flamethrower is one if the most commonly used tools in paranormal gynecology. A good rule of thumb in this and any other field of paranormal investigation is this: if the hostile entity you are confronted with is of the physical plane - ie flesh and bone - then nine times out if ten you can torch it into oblivion.
And based of my observations, the miser pubic pestis was most definitely of this plane.
Excelsior in hand, I dashed out of the closet and back to the girls. When I got there, the set up was perfect; Veronica was still on the table, Sophia was back against the wall, and the creature was in the center of the room, slowly dragging itself towards Sophia. Where it was, I could blast it without doing any damage to the girls.
It was go time.
"Hey crotch monster!" I shouted.
The creature stopped and turned to me. It was hard to tell, bit I'm pretty sure the look on it's...face was probably surprise.
"Take one of these and don't call me in the morning."
And with that, I unleashed the full combustible fury of Excelsior upon the creature. It flailed it's barbed tendrils wildly in protest, but there was nothing it could do. It's vagina-infesting, husband-eating days were over.
It managed to get out one final "CURSE YOU PHYSICIAN!" and then it was gone; nothing left but a small lump of charred black meat. I turned off the fuel on Excelsior and turned my attention to the girls.
"Always with the flamethrower." Sophia said. "You boys and your toys."
"Hey it works, doesn't it?" I said. "You handled yourself amazingly, by the way."
She started to blush. "Thanks Mr. H."
I turned to Mrs. Velvet, who was understandably flustered by the pyrotechnics. "How are you Mrs. Velvet? Are you okay?"
"I can't believe it. It's over. It's really over!" Before I could protest, she ran up and threw her arms around me, squeezing me tight. "Thank you doctor! Thank you so much!"
"I'm just doing my job." I said. "Whenever you're ready, Sophia will take you up front and provide you with any follow up info you need."
"Okay." She said. "And thank you again."
She composed herself and followed Sophia out to the receptionist's area. Just another client. But there was something she said that stuck with me. "It's finally over". Sure, for her I guess it is. But for me, it will never be over. All across this shakey mortal realm, women are under constant threat and most of them don't even know it. Forgotten nightmare-gods, daemons, sex curses, unimaginable terrors from all planes of existence, hell, even extra-terrestrials; all after mortal females.
But when the most vile of the paranormal creep into our world for their nefarious purposes, they know to creep lightly, or they'll find themselves face-to-face with the one person who even the nightmares fear.
My name is Dick Handsome. I'm a paranormal gynecologist.
Dick Handsome will return in Dick Handsome: Paranormal Gynecologist Vs. The Vaginomicon.