Dick Handsome: The Noise

 I wanted to post this earlier, preferably right after Dick Handsome: Paranormal Gynecologist vs. the Cannibal Crotch of Cancun was posted, but I haven't had internet access at home for a week now because...actually, I've no fucking clue why, the shit just stopped working. A tech goon is supposed to be showing up today to fix it. However, let it be said here and now that if I don't have internet access by the end of this night, I am firing up The Nightmare Engine (from your friends at The Simon Corporation) and heralding the end of all things.

Anyway, my bizarre need to post shit on the internet has been sated as it is Friday and there's nothing to do at work.


A Dick Handsome: Paranormal Gynecologist story has been written, with plans for more stories in the works, and I'm still trying to come to terms with the fact that I did this horrible, horrible thing. I feel this is me sinking to a new low personally.

Dick Handsome was accidentally created in my nightmare mind after reading a comment regarding another one of my bad ideas, SPACEDOOM: A Johnny Explosion Adventure. So this is like a bad idea giving birth to a worse idea. I actually documented the illogical string of thoughts that created this worse idea in an earlier journal post that I would link to here if I was a more considerate person, but I'm not.

When I originally came up with, and posted, the Dick Handsome idea. My intention was never to actually do anything with it. Even with my standards as low as they are, this was a line I had no intention of crossing. For a person who claims to love writing and take it seriously, I already fuck off enough with SPACEDOOM. I was not going to be the guy that actually writes a story about a guy named Dick Handsome investigating haunted vaginas.

Then Apple Inc. released an OS update to the iPhone and iPod Touch that allowed more applications to utilize the landscape orientation.

This is a strong leap in logic, so let me explain a bit. When I initially got my iPhone, I noticed one of the apps it comes packaged with (called "Notes", an app that lets you - wait for it - write notes) and thought might come in handy for writing stories and whatnot on-the-go. I could come up with a story and slowly work on it in my free time, without the need of a computer. I quickly realized that typing anything longer than a few sentences in the vertical orientation (which was the only option at the time) was a pain in the ass and I immediately dismissed the idea of using it as a word-composition device.

Then, just recently, this system update comes along and suddenly the idea is reconsidered. Now that I could turn the phone sideways and type comfortably, maybe I could use the iPhone as a writing tool.

Theoretically, it would work. But I still needed to test it out by actually writing a story on the phone. But since I would be composing a story in very unstable and experimental conditions, I felt that the story itself would have to be simple, short, and - in case this didn't work - disposable. A story idea I had no attachment to and never intended on actually pursuing...

Now, based on the facts I presented above, one could easily make the argument that the existence of Dick Handsome can be blamed on Mr. Steve Jobs.

Now I'm writing this story on my phone, viewing it as a disposable test run thing, and something terrible happens: I get into it. Suddenly, I'm putting thought into it, creating an alternate version of America's history injected with Lovecraftian elements and Cthulhu mythos while trying not to explicitly say "This is Cthulhu mythos". I'm coming up with ideas for other Dick Handsome stories and discussing the character with friends. I'm making in-story nods to Johnny Explosion.

I'm creating a character I'm starting to like.

Actually, by the time I'm nearing the end of the story, I'm finding myself regretting his name and occupation, wishing I had only taken the paranormal mysteries aspect of it. I'm conjuring up a paranormal/Lovecraftian Sherlock Holmes set in modern times. See? That's a good idea. Why didn't that come to me before the whole gynecology thing?

But what's done is done. Dick does provide me with countless fun fuckoff stories with ridiculous set-ups, and I do enjoy writing nonsense. I could always use the more serious idea later. I'll implant it into my brain/hatebox and see if it gestates into a good, usable premise.

As much as I surprisingly enjoyed creating this nonsense story, this is the first time I stopped mid-writing and asked myself, "What in the hell am I doing?". Despite my usual joy in taking a horrible idea and running with it, regardless of what horrible places it may take me; several times I found myself questioning whether or not I had crossed that line set by my already low set of standards and morality.

In the end, I don't think I did. That, or I did and I don't care. Either way, I enjoyed it, and I plan on writing more in the future.

After I finish SPACEDOOM: A Johnny Explosion Adventure.

And only on my free time of course. This shit will never take priority over real projects.