This is the kind of shit that pops up in my head.

Got Resident Evil 5 last week. After I played the demo, I was a bit iffy about it. When you play single-player, your partner (Sheva) is controlled by AI, and as usual, the AI is a bit wonky. So I knew that if I was to get this game, my options were going to be A) play single-player and deal with the retarded AI following me around and getting in my way through the entire story mode, B) play co-op online with random people on Xbox Live and hear the word "nigger" every five seconds (While that is common on Xbox Live, I have a feeling it will be worse so with this particular game. You non-gamers may want to Google "RE5 racism" for the background info), or C) hook up with an IRL friend who has the game and schedule co-op sessions.

Needless to say, I picked option C. The IRL friend in question is Bryan "Captain Sexypants" Warren. We've only been able to play once, because he hasn't been able to be online, but the experience so far is enjoyable. More so that I thought it would be. The only problem with this game is the main characters. Since Bryan set up the game, he's playing as Chris Redfield, a returning character from previous RE installments, only this time, it appears he's been juicing, as his arms are roughly the size of a small Buick. Since Bry is playing as Chris, that means I have to play as Sheva Whateverthefuckherlastnameis. A newcomer to the RE franchise, Sheva is an agent of the African Zombie Execution Squad, or whatever their fictional agency is called, whose job is to guide Chris through the local and aid him on his mission. Or something like that. Resident Evil games aren't exactly renowned for their gripping storylines.

Now, I usually don't have a problem playing as female characters in video games. In fact, I feel video games need more positive female protagonists. It's just that these two characters are so over-the-top-badass-action-hero, and me and Bry are the complete opposite of that. While we're playing this game, these characters are kicking all kinds of zombie ass and saying all this horribly dramatic dialogue and being all hardcore serious, and all I'm seeing in my head is this:


Part of me loves this picture, but most of me regrets making it.

That aside, the game is amazing when playing co-op with someone you know and I highly recommend it. And Bryan, if you're reading this, get your ass back online. Your responsibilities can wait.