SPACEDOOM: A Johnny Explosion Adventure

Chapter 10: Rocketman, Burning Out His Fuse Up Here…WITH DOOM!

Three seconds ago, I was standing in the firing chamber of an untested cannon, several live nuclear warheads below me. 2.99 seconds ago, those nuclear warheads fired, propelling me into the heavens. Now, I can see the curvature of the earth.

These past three seconds have been educational, amongst other things. I learned that, when multiple nuclear warheads are detonated for the sole purpose of propelling you, the contents of your bladder will evacuate the premises. No matter what. Fortunately, you're going so mind-fuckingly fast that you're dry before you even notice it. I also learned that the human body isn't designed to break the sound barrier without the aid of a protective vessel. That shit hurts really bad.

I may have been screaming, but honestly I couldn't tell, I wasn't exactly aware of much of anything for the first few seconds. But as the surroundings faded from sky-blue to outer-space-black, I knew I had to get my game face on.

Snap out of it Johnny, we've got a case to solve. I told myself.


Bullshit. There is no problem that can't be solved with barbarian know-how. I countered, remembering the first lesson my father Grundig taught me.

That did it. I may be flying at break-everything speeds through the endless void of darkest space, but I had my unbreakable barbarian sense of focus back. The job was pretty straightforward; get into the S.S. Facemelter (preferably undetected), find Professor Apocalypse, mess his world up, save the girls. Pretty basic stuff really, I've done it countless times before. This time, it was just that, but in space.

Flying through the blackness of space, I scanned the stars for the S.S. Facemelter. Luckily, the Cornhole Cannon's aim was true, as I eventually saw the evil spacestation appear directly in my flight path. At first, it was just a small grey dot, but as I got closer I was able to get a better idea of what I was dealing with. If I had to guess, I'd say this thing was about as long as one and a half football fields and roughly ten stories tall. It was rectangular in shape, with various doodads, satellites, laser cannons and such, sticking out of it. Towards the back was what appeared to be a docking station filled with car-sized, single-pilot fighterships. Sticking out of the front in what must have been the control deck was a giant skull with erratic, frizzled hair and a pair of laboratory goggles - Apocalypse’s insignia.

And the fucking thing had a shark fin. I really don't understand villains at all.

The entire thing floated silently through the infinite abyss of space. There was no external security that I could see, no fighterships around, just me and the colossal spacestation. I eyed the docking station, this looked like the best place to enter. I unstrapped my surfboard, fired it up, and used it to steer myself towards the docking area.

Aside from the hum of the board and the distant roar of the Facemelter, all was silent. There was only about 300-450 yards between me and the station now and I was quickly closing the gap. I could now see what appeared to be an entrance lift in the docking station, my instincts were correct – this was my way in.

Good work Johnny. Just slip in silently, make your way to the control deck, and…

“PREPARE TO DIE, BARBARIAN SCUM!!!” the entire spacestation roared. Suddenly alarms were going off, lights were flashing, laser cannons were turning in my direction; it was like the Facemelter was a rabid wooly mammoth that was just woken from a deep, angry slumber, and I was the poor dumb bastard that disturbed it’s hateful, murderous rest.

I immediately recognized the voice blasting through the external speakers, I focused my eagle-like, barbarian eyes to the control deck, and there he was. The goggles that the station’s giant skull were wearing doubled as a windshield and there I saw the tiny silhouette of my nemesis, the man behind the whole case, Professor Apocalypse.

“DOOMFIGHTERS, DESTROY HIM!!!” his commands issued gigantic through the station’s speaker system. I turned back to the docking station to see that the once-dormant fighterships were now manned and were all flying in my direction like a swarm of vengeful murder-bees.

I pulled out my broadsword, they responded by firing a wave of lasers at me. I cranked my rocketboard to full speed and charged them. With their lasers speeding at me, and me speeding at them, this was officially the most awesomest version of intergalactic chicken ever. Fortunately for me, the combination of my gnarly rocket surfing skills and zero gravity made me even more agile and totally extreme. I was darting back and forth, flipping upside-down, and doing wicked spins through the lasers, dodging them effortlessly as I rocketed towards the fighterships. As soon as the closest fighter was in range, I shot past it and sliced it half, resulting in a massive explosion.

The rest of the fighterswarm began to buzz around me and within moments I was surrounded on all directions and everything went nuts. The ships were sweeping past me, laser were flying everywhere, they were doing everything they could to turn me into a red spacestain. I continued to fight my way to the docking station, bobbing and weaving through both the lasers that were coming at me from all directions and the fighterships that were trying to ram me. Ships were exploding everywhere, struck by friendly-fire lasers, colliding with each other, and getting hit by the lasers I was deflecting with my sword. The darkness of space was lit by the fire of explosions and laser cannons. Back on earth, it may have just looked like a bright spot in the sky, a large star maybe, but up here, it was hell in space.

Slowly, I made my way to the docking station. My plan was to land and make a break to the entrance lift. Suddenly, when I was only about 100 yards away one of those damn fighterships got a luck break and side-swiped me, killing the engine on my board and sending me tumbling uncontrollably through space.

I mashed the controls of the board trying to get it to restart, but to no avail. As I watched the docking station get further and further away from me, I knew I was screwed. I was a sitting duck for the fighters to pick off, and if they were feeling exceptionally cruel, all they had to do was leave me alone and let me float off in space forever.

The chose the former, one lone fighter buzzed towards me while the rest set back, preferring to be audience to my annihilation. The solo executioner came to a stop about 50 yards away from me and hovered in place.

The laser cannon pointed toward me and I gritted my teeth in anticipation. Without my board, there was no way I could dodge it. The best I could do would be to use my sword to deflect it back at him. I was still doomed, but at least I could take one more of Apocalypse’s goons with me.

The laser began to glow with power, preparing to fire. Then, after several excruciating seconds, it faded and the cannon lowered once more. For a second, I didn’t understand what was going on, but then the fighter’s propulsion rockets fired back to life and it immediately became clear: this bastard was going to smash into me again, knock me around for a while before he finished me off.

The other fighterships were buzzing around excitedly, like an excited coliseum audience hungry for blood. The ship that was to be my executioner remained still, but the roar of its rockets grew louder and louder. He was charging up for one full-speed hit, and he was taking his time; savoring the moment. That’s when I realize I may have a chance. My plan was a long-shot, but it was the only shot I had left. I sheathed my sword, strapped my rocketboard to my back and waited, unarmed, for the killing blow.

With a deafening explosion from the propulsion rockets, the fightership shot at me like a bullet. At the last possible second, I pushed with all my massive barbarian mass to the side, sending me floating to the side of the fighter. Then, with lighting-fast reflexes, I reached out and snatched the fightership’s wing and sent the ship spinning around me. Now I had the ship in a deathgrip and we were both spinning in place in a bizarre waltz.

I was an Olympic hammer-thrower and this poor bastard was my hammer of choice. We were spinning faster and faster; speeds were way past dizzying. I looked at the pilot, who had just decorated the interior of his ship with whatever he had for lunch. He looked at me and pounded on the window desperately.

“Please, let me go!” he said.
“Let you go? No problem.” I replied.

Pushing my barbarian strength to the limit and using the ship’s momentum against it, I launched the fighter directly at the side of the S.S. Facemelter. The pilot wrestled with the controls, but was completely helpless. The small ship collided with the Facemelter like an asteroid smashing into a small planet. There was another awesome explosion and when the flames cleared, I could see a car-sized hole in the side of the spacestation. It was nothing but a blemish compared to the massive scale of the Facemelter, but it was more than enough for me.

Screw the docking station, this was my way in.

The other fighterships remained motionless, obviously still shocked by what just happened. I pulled out my rocketboard and gave it a quick smack, knocking it back to life just as the fighters turned their attention to me. I jumped on the board and sped to the improvised back door. The fighterships tried to chase me, but I had already gained too much distance. I shot through the hole and seconds later, I could hear the explosions as fightership after fightership tried to follow me through the hole, but couldn’t make the tight squeeze.

Well, it didn’t exactly go as planned, but I was inside the S.S. Facemelter. Professor Apocalypse was only the length of a spacestation away.

I was never one for subtlety anyway.


Johnny Explosion: in the lair of evil! Will our hero finally bring an end to the Professor’s evil scheme, or will the S.S. Facemelter become Johnny’s space-casket? Find out in the next awesome-packed chapter of SPACEDOOM: A Johnny Explosion Adventure!