Chapter 7: Chainsaws and Revelations...OF DOOM!
"You are about to get torn to shreds by the greatest marvel of medical science history." Dr. Macabre said, flashing me a smug grin, "If I were you, I'd consider this an honor."
I was about ask how having a chainsaw for a face would earn such prestige rather than be reviled as an abomination from a deranged creator when the doors to the operating theatre opened.
"BEHOLD: GARY!" Macabre announced.
Gary stood in the doorway before me. Macabre began do to the whole "mad scientist crazy laugh" thing that I'm pretty sure he spent hours practicing in front of a mirror, but I ignored him. I had to size up this Gary guy so I would know what I was up against.
Just as the doctor promised, Gary did indeed have a chainsaw for a face. His head was a lumpy blob of flesh, completely featureless except for the three-foot long chainsaw blade sticking out of the front of his head like a jagged beak. Aside from the whole chainsaw-for-a-face thing, he was rediculously massive; about eight-foot tall and nothing but muscle. Hell, his muscles had muscles. He looked like a cartoonist parody of a bodybuilder. Looking at his treetrunk-sized arms, I began to wonder why he even needed the chainsaw face.
Oh, and if things weren't bizarre enough, he was wearing an extremely undersized baby blue shirt that said "daddy's BIG boy!" in childish crayon letters.
And he was holding a teddy bear.
And the teddy bear also had a little felt chainsaw face.
I shot Macabre a look, he must have knew what I was about to ask because he said, "Yes, he is my child and I am his father. It doesn't matter how I had him. To me, it does not matter how one becomes a father. Some people prefer to naturally impregnate a woman, and I prefer to kidnap steroid junkies and cram chainsaw motors into their craniums. Either way, Gary recognizes me as his creator and loves me unconditionally and obeys me without question."
I wanted to reply to that, but...wow...where does one start?
Macabre then turned to Gary, clapped his hands and stomped on the floor like he was calling a dog. Gary turned somewhat towards our direction and Macabre pointed at me, "Destroy him Gary! Make your father proud!"
Gary's chainsaw revved enthusiastically - which I guess is how someone says "hooray!" when they have a chainsaw for a face. And then he charged at me. Instinctively, I reached for my broadsword, only to realize it wasn't there. I made a mental note to start pounding on Carlak's face until I got my stuff back after this was over. If I survived, of course. I had a wall of meat and chainsaw death charging me like a bull, and I was going to have to stop it unarmed.
Then I noticed that Gary wasn't exactly charging at me, it was more of a charge kind of towards my general direction. I watched awestruck as he missed my by a good five feet to my right and smashed head first into the brick wall behind me. As he sat there dazed, I couldn't help but feel sorry for the big guy.
"Macabre, you bastard." I said, "Look at what you've done to this guy! You've...you've ruined him!"
Macabre laughed. "You still don't get it. Sure, I may have removed most of his brain to make room for the chainsaw parts, inadvertantly turning him into an idiot manchild; and yeah, by replacing his face with a chainsaw, he may be without four of his five senses. But you forgot one important thing, detective."
"Yeah, what's that?"
"He has a chainsaw...for a face."
I was about to reply, but Gary had gotten up and was standing right behind me. I spun around just in time for him to kick me - well, it was more like he punted me. I flew clear across the operating room without touching the ground and I would have probably went further if the wall didn't stop me. I crashed into a pile of random junk sending IV stands and oxygen tanks and other surgical stuff scattering across the room. I'm not going to lie, that hurt like a bastard. I was dazed and blurry-eyed for a few seconds and when I managed to regain my senses I saw Gary coming at me. He wasn't charging this time, instead he was walking cautiously with his arms out in front of him, but he was still heading right for me.
I tried to get back on my feet, but I couldn't find the strength. That kick knocked the hell out of me. With Gary getting closer and me unarmed and stuck on my ass, it was obvious that things were looking bad.
So this is it Johnny? I thought to myself, This is how it ends; you, gored to dead by a chainsaw-face retard?
Suddenly, I heard someone shouting, a female someone to be more specific.
"Johnny!" The voice shouted, I followed the sound of the voice to see Claire up in the student observation deck, waving at me with one arm and holding my broadsword with the other. "Catch!"
She then took the handle in both hands and chucked it hammer-throw style, spinning around several times to build momentum. For a girl that size and a sword that large, it was an impressive toss. It cleared the entire operating theatre and came right to me. Gary was standing right over me and I caught my broadsword just as he was bringing the chainsaw blade down.
If I had been a fraction of a second slower, there would have been nothing left of me but a chunky mess all over Gary's shirt, but I managed to get the sword between me and Gary's chainsaw face of death. The chainsaw revved faster, sending sparks flying as metal hit metal. All but laying on me, he had me pinned, using his massive body weight to force the chainsaw inch by deadly inch closer to my face. I pushed back with my sword, trying to get him off of me, but it was like bench-pressing a semi. And the semi is trying to rip your face off.
Sparks flying, my strength draining, and a violent chainsaw death only inches from my face, I knew I only had one shot at survival. I curled both my legs up, planted my feet into his stomach, and kicked out with all my barbarian might, sending him flying off of me. He stumbled backwards trying to find his balance, but tripped on a bedpan and fell, cracking his head on an oxygen tank. The chainsaw blade stopped spinning; I guess that meant he was down for the count.
I got up, dusted myself off, and walked over to Doctor Macabre, who just stood slack-jawed, staring blankly.
"Alright Doc," I said, "it's time to start talking. Where is Profess-"
I was interrupted by the sound of Gary's chainsaw face roaring back to life. The spinning teeth immediately began to chew through the metal oxygen tank they had been resting on.
"GARY! NO!" Macabre screamed. But it was too late. The chainsaw had punctured the tank and it exploded, sending flames and metal shards (and chunks of Gary) flying. I grabbed Macabre and dove behind the surgical slab I had just recently been strapped to just as a wall of flames rushed over our heads.
The room was filling with black smoke, and everything was on fire. Macabre began to panic. "You gotta get me outta here Explosion! You can't let me die!"
Problem was, the psycho was right. As much as I want to let his ass roast in here, if he died I wouldn't be able to find Professor Apocalypse. So I grabbed him, thew him over my shoulder and ran for the door. But as I was making my way, another tank exploded and a pile of flaming debris came crashing down from the ceiling and blocked the door, effectively pinning me inside.
I tried to look around to find another possible exit, but I could hardly see anything in the smoke. Flames were creeping up all around me and it was getting harder to breathe. Suddenly I heard a voice behind me.
"Johnny are you okay?"
I spun around, it was Claire.
"I'm sorry about drugging you. Macabre's goons made me. I didn't have a choice."
I could tell she was telling the truth, but that was the least of my worries at the moment. "How did you get down here?" I asked.
Before she could answer, there was another voice; again, behind me.
"Is the doctor alive? Ve need him alive."
I spun around again. It was Gretchen Von Haagendas. Needless to say, I was confused.
"Gretchen!? What the hell are you doing here!?"
"Is the doctor alive? Ve need him alive." She repeated, a slight hint of annoyance in her voice.
I looked over my shoulder. He passed out, but he was still breathing. "Yeah, he's alive. Look, we gotta get out of...we...where the hell did you come from."
Calmly, she held out her hand. "Take my hand Johnny detective."
I had no idea what was going on, and it was starting to annoy me. "Look, I don't know if you've noticed, but this place is burning down around us. We gotta..."
Claire interrupted me. "Just take her hand Johnny."
Although it didn't make any sense, I did what she said. I held one of Gretchen's hand and Claire took the other. In unison, both Gretchen and Claire's eyes rolled back in their heads and they began to make a high-pitched humming sound.
I was screaming now. "What the fuck..."
For a split second, all I could see was white.
When the white cleared, we were all outside on the roof of an apartment complex. I could see Macabre's hideout a few blocks away, completely engulfed in flames and surrounded by fire trucks.
I kinda stammered off at the end there.
"You just teleported." Claire said.
"If this is your first time, you vill feel the need to vomit. Feel free to do so." Gretchen instructed.
She was right. My stomach felt like it had a personal vendetta against me. I dropped Macabre, fell to my knees, and puked up everything had eaten in the past five years.
"You two...? How did you...? What's going on...?" was all I managed to get out in between heaves.
They seemed to understand what I was getting at. "I'm sorry we haven't been able to tell you the truth Johnny. But it was for your own protection." Claire said. Then she turned to Gretchen. "I guess we should probably fill him in."
Gretchen nodded. "Johnny, you need to understand that there is more at stake in your case that you can even comprehend."
More confusion from me. "What are you talking about? Professor Apocalypse is threatening to destroy the entire planet. What could be bigger than saving Earth?"
Suddenly Gretchen and Claire's eyes began to glow a bright, otherworldly blue.
"We need you to do more than save your planet Johnny detective..." Gretchen began.
Claire finished, "...we need you to save ours as well."
Holy crap! Barbarian detectives, exploding crackheads, mutant goons, and now aliens!? Can it get any more awesome? Find out in the next awesome-packed chapter of SPACEDOOM: A Johnny Explosion Adventure!